When Abiding with God Feels Hard Learn to to Remain in His Love
For years, I thought following God meant doing more, trying harder, praying longer, getting everything just right. I had no idea that the very thing He was inviting me into was less striving, not more.
I’ve walked with God through mountaintops and deserts, through joy and deep disappointment. I’ve been the overachiever trying to earn His love, the girl truly understanding shame for the first time, and the woman learning to let go of the outcomes she once idolized.
And through it all, I’ve learned that abiding with God is what transforms everything.
But let’s be honest: abiding is hard.
We want to run. We want control. We want understanding. And when pain, shame, or confusion enter the story, we often pull away from the very Presence we need most. We think we are doing the right thing when in fact it is the very opposite of what He is inviting us to sometimes.
Just in the past two years, that has never felt more real. As I sit in my living room, crying because I can’t seem to do it “right” enough, He whispers, “I’m not asking you to be responsible, I’m inviting you to obedience.” Sometimes obedience looks foolish to the world around you, but nothing He speaks ever returns to Him void. (Isaiah 55:11)
This article is for the doers, the weary, the wanderers, and the ones who feel like they’ve failed. It’s for those who love God deeply but aren’t quite sure how to stay with Him when life feels messy and painful and pointless.
I’ll share what it means to abide with God, why we struggle to do so, and some practical tips on how to lean into abiding. Abiding isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence.
What Does It Mean to Abide?
A definition
“Abide” isn’t a word we use every day, but it carries depth and strength. According to Dictionary.com, to abide means:
“To endure, sustain, or withstand without yielding or submitting: to abide a vigorous onslaught. To wait for; await: to abide the coming of the Lord.”
BlueLetterBible.com offers Strong’s Concordance definition for the word used in John 15:4–5. In Greek, μένω (menō) means:
“To stay (in a given place, state, relation, or expectancy):—abide, continue, dwell, endure, be present, remain, stand, tarry (for), thine own.”
It’s a word rich with stability and presence. It’s not just about staying in one place physically—it’s about remaining relationally, emotionally, and spiritually connected.
Heart Check: Where in your life have you been striving instead of simply staying connected to the Vine?
Practically speaking
In John 15, Yeshua uses the example of a vine and branches. I’m not a wino, nor have I spent much time in vineyards—but after reading Crushing by TD Jakes, I felt like I understood this metaphor much better than before.
When we abide in Him (Yeshua as the Vine), it allows the Vinedresser (Yahweh) to cultivate us in the best way possible, producing the kind of fruit that brings glory to God and nourishment to others. Yes, that includes pruning, watering, and daily care. But it also includes protection, guidance, and nourishment.
A few years later, I came to another powerful understanding: fruit is the natural byproduct of abiding.
It isn’t something to strive for. I don’t have to “make” myself fruitful. I don’t have to push or perform or manufacture fruit. I simply need to abide—stay connected—and do what He is doing. The fruit, as it turns out, is the natural result.
As a hardcore doer, that was incredibly good news to me. It means I can finally be free from a life of striving—if I stay in the true Vine.
“In Him we live and move and have our being.”
—Acts 17:28
He is not far off, even when He feels distant. He is behind us, before us, beside us. He hems us in. He walks with us. We abide in Him, and He abides in us.
When we truly abide, we’re no longer trying to perform or earn love. We’re not fighting to please God or doing spiritual gymnastics to prove our worth. Instead, we live in relationship with Him—and it’s that relationship that transforms us into the image of His Son.
If we don’t abide in His love, we won’t experience the full benefit of that relationship. Jesus says His joy is our strength, and that our joy can be made complete in Him (John 15:10–11). Nehemiah 8:10 says the joy of the Lord is our strength.
And let’s be honest—life feels a whole lot lighter when we’re fueled by His joy and peace instead of trying to generate our own.
Heart Check: What would change if you believed fruit naturally flows from abiding—not from effort?
Visiting vs. Dwelling
We might also consider that abiding isn’t just visiting with God—it’s not something we squeeze into a devotional time or reserve for Sunday mornings. Abiding is more like dwelling with Him.
In my first book, Friendship with God, I talked a lot about how we get to invite Him into every part of our lives, not just church services or prayer closets. Growing up, my “God times” were mostly Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. But God isn’t looking for a visitation schedule; He’s inviting us into a relationship that stays.
That’s hard to fathom in today’s world. Families are torn apart by divorce. Friendships end over disagreements. Business partnerships crumble due to greed or misaligned visions. But there’s something sacred and powerful about relationships that remain.
And in our abiding, something beautiful happens: we’re transformed effortlessly, because He tends to the vine.
But here’s the part that never ceases to amaze me: not only do we abide in Him—He abides in us.
He chooses us. He chooses to dwell in us.
Because of this, we can say with confidence that:
- We have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16),
- He will give us the desires of our hearts as we delight in Him (Psalm 37:4).
This, my friend, is the game-changer. When we abide, nothing stays the same. We are freed from the pressure to be perfect, because abiding isn’t about perfection—it’s about relationship.
Heart Check: Are there areas of your life where you invite God in occasionally but not consistently?
Why We Struggle to Abide with God
1. Lack of Understanding
I think one of the biggest reasons we struggle to abide is simply because we’re human. That’s not a cop-out—it’s just the truth. What makes sense to God often makes little sense to us.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
—Isaiah 55:8–9 (BSB)
We try to figure it all out. But the reality is—there often isn’t anything to figure out. And when we insist on understanding, we often sacrifice peace.
Bill Johnson says it so well:
“If you want peace that surpasses understanding, you must give up your need to understand.”
And that’s where the invitation to trust comes in.
I actually asked ChatGPT once how many times in the New Testament we’re invited to trust God or Yeshua. The answer? Roughly 240 times we’re told to trust or have faith in God or Jesus.
Recently, as I started re-reading the New Testament, I was struck by how often Jesus says some version of, “Your faith has made you well.” There’s something powerful about our faith, trust, and beliefs.
Something I’ll write more on soon is how those three—faith, belief, and trust—are related, but not identical:
- In the beginning, we walk by faith, before we have experience.
- As we witness God’s goodness, we form beliefs rooted in truth.
- Over time, those beliefs allow us to move into deeper trust.
When God invites us to trust Him, it’s never blind. He’s already proven Himself. We just have to remember what we know to be true about His love.
It’s simple—but it’s definitely not easy.
Heart Check: What have you been trying to figure out that God is simply asking you to trust Him with?
2. Shame
Another reason we sometimes struggle to abide is shame. The enemy loves to condemn us. And if we start believing his lies, we can pick up shame instead of standing firm in our right standing before the Father—regardless of what we’ve done.
I remember the first time I really understood shame. I was backpacking solo across Europe in my late 20s. Up until that point, I hadn’t done much externally that people would judge. I barely drank alcohol, had never kissed anyone, let alone had sex, didn’t do drugs, and was a pretty classic rule-follower.
One night in a hostel, I played my first drinking game with a group of fellow travelers. I had no idea what I was getting into, but I remember laughing, connecting, and feeling like I belonged. I also remember waking up covered in vomit, feeling like death.
It’s honestly a miracle I didn’t die from alcohol poisoning that night.
I had no idea what I was doing—but even more than the physical consequences, I felt an overwhelming shame. I had just started dating someone before my trip and didn’t want to face him—or anyone back home. I felt like I had failed.
Lying in that hostel bed, trying to muster strength to meet a girl I’d connected with through Couchsurfing.org, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper Romans 8:1 into my heart:
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
It was a verse I had memorized for years, but that day, it became real.
That experience, while awful on many levels, taught me something new about the Father. It wasn’t a good decision—but God used it to reveal another facet of His grace.
Friends, shame is a liar.
When we abide in Yeshua, the Vinedresser doesn’t see our failures—He sees the Vine. Yahweh sees us in light of Yeshua’s sacrifice. That is the Gospel.
I don’t have to prove myself.
Because of His magnificent grace, I can abide—and let His love transform me from the inside out.
Heart Check: Is there any part of your story you’ve been hiding in shame instead of offering it to God for healing?
3. Pain
This is closely tied to a lack of understanding, but it deserves its own space. Pain is everywhere right now. And when we’re wounded, we often feel unsafe—even with God.
We withdraw. We try to protect ourselves. And we stop abiding.
Maybe it’s:
- A miscarriage.
- A breakup with the person you thought you’d marry.
- A cancer diagnosis.
- Or maybe it’s not one big thing, but a thousand small disappointments that wear you down over time.
One book I’ve read every year for the last ten years is Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey. It helped me learn the difference between expectation and expectancy.
- Expectations focus on outcomes we think God should deliver.
- Expectancy focuses on Him—the Promise Giver—and remains open to how He fulfills those promises.
Here’s an example from my life:
In 2015 or 2016, I had a dream where I felt God promised me a husband. Later, He gave me another dream where I heard clearly: “There are two men. You think it’s the first, but it is the second.”
For a couple of years, I was sure I knew who it was. I had never felt so safe, seen, or loved by anyone. I loved deeply and wholeheartedly.
But I held on to an outcome instead of holding on to the Promise Giver. And that caused a lot of pain.
God still used it. I was abiding. But I truly believe it would have been far less painful if I had let go of the outcome and trusted His process from the beginning.
“All His promises are yes in Yeshua.” – 2 Corinthians 1:20
“Perfect is Your faithfulness.” – Isaiah 25:1 NASB
“Do I bring to the moment of birth and not deliver?” – Isaiah 66:9
And yet—it rarely looks the way we imagined.
St. Ignatius spoke of indifference not as apathy, but as holy freedom. I believe this posture is key to abiding. It’s the ability to remain surrendered—to trust in God’s faithfulness without demanding a certain outcome.
Heart Check: Has pain or disappointment caused you to pull away from God? Where might He be inviting you back into trust?
How to Cultivate a Life of Abiding
Let’s talk practicals.
If you know me well, you know one of my favorite questions is “how?” I’m ready to follow God, but I need handles. I always want to know how to do what He is inviting me to do, so I can do it well. But that is just me trusting in my capacity to do what He has invited me to do, which isn’t really how He works.
I have learned that He is far more concerned about the journey and my heart than He is me doing it perfectly, rightly, or even sinlessly.
So here are some ways to intentionally step into abiding and grow those muscles that help you remain when you want to run.
1. Awareness
You can’t change what you’re not aware of. We need to become conscious of our thoughts, beliefs, and automatic reactions.
A lot of people say we have 60,000–70,000 thoughts a day, but that’s not based on science. A 2020 study by Queen’s University suggests we have around 6,200 distinct thoughts per day. Still a lot!
Even more telling: 90–95% of those thoughts are subconscious.
To change, we have to first notice what we’re thinking.
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…”
—Romans 12:2
How to become more aware:
- Breath prayers: Set an alarm. When it goes off, pause. Breathe deeply and become aware of what’s happening internally.
- Box breathing: Inhale, hold, exhale, hold (each for 4 seconds). Then reflect: What was I just thinking?
- Welcoming prayer: Acknowledge the physical/emotional feeling. Without judgment, welcome it in God’s presence—and then surrender it.
- Practice being present: Slow down. Notice what thoughts arise when strong emotions come up. What were you thinking before the pride, the frustration, the joy?
Heart Check: What thought or belief do you notice most often that pulls you away from peace or presence?
2. Surrender
This is a huge topic—and I’ll write more soon. But here are some basics.
Surrender shows up all over Scripture, yet most people never talk about how to do it. Some things are easier to surrender than others.
When I was training as a spiritual director, I learned about St. Ignatius’s idea of indifference. I didn’t like it at first. But over time, I’ve come to see it as a picture of holy surrender.
“Not apathy or carelessness, but holy freedom—a posture of openness and detachment that allows us to desire and choose only what leads us closer to God.”
It’s about holding on to God’s promises while letting go of our expectations of how they’ll be fulfilled.
How to practice surrender:
- Bring your real emotions and questions to God. Don’t hide. He’s not afraid of your mess. When you offer it honestly, it becomes the soil of transformation.
- Let go daily. Try breathwork: As you inhale, say, “I choose to let go of…” and as you exhale, say the name of the emotion or outcome you’re surrendering.
Heart Check: What outcome, desire, or timeline are you holding onto that you need to surrender?
3. Scripture & Stillness
As an extrovert, stillness was hard for me at first. But the more I practiced, the more I began to hear God’s voice—not just externally, but within.
Stillness lets the noise fall away so that truth can rise up.
No one else can renew your mind for you. This is your work. But in doing it, you’ll be transformed.
How to use Scripture and stillness:
- Lectio Divina: One of my favorite practices. Read a short passage slowly. Sit with it. Let God highlight a word or phrase. Let it speak to your soul.
- Silent prayer: Ask God something, then listen. Sit in the silence and let Him speak.
- Saturate your mind with Scripture. Replace lies with truth.
Heart Check: When was the last time you sat with God in silence—not to get something, but just to be with Him?
The Benefit of Abiding
I think the most incredible benefit of abiding is the guarantee of “fruit” in our lives. The Father promises to use all of the things we encounter—all the things, because of all of the reasons—for our highest good and His glory. (Romans 8:28)
This means that if I abide in Yeshua, the Father will prune away all that is keeping me from producing fruit in my life. He will sustain me. Encourage me. Keep me. He will not let me fall away because He is the perfect vine dresser.
Our invitation is then to trust that He 1. will do just as He said He would but also 2. that He is quite capable to do a work in us that we may not understand in the slightest but that is far greater than we could imagine.
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21
Heart Check: Which fruit of abiding—peace, identity, joy, guidance, or love—do you feel God wants to grow in you next?
The Invitation That Changes It All
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
Regardless of what we face, the one in whom we are invited to abide has already overcome the world.
As we remain turned towards Him in the midst of all that we face, we begin to see more and more grace of His tender mercies in our lives.
As you cultivate that life of abiding through awareness, surrender, and stillness, you will see that He is shaping you into the image of Yeshua day by day.
The good news is that you don’t have to chase God. You don’t have to do enough good to earn His love. You can’t out run Him in any direction. He is already with you. He is there ready to receive you the minute you turn toward Him.
Heart Check: What if today, you simply slowed down and noticed— where you are and where He is?
