it was may 6, 2012 and my last sunday at bridgeway church. i sat in my normal seat on the far right side, about 6 rows back. i listened to Sam Storms talk about Joshua 5 and the battle at Jericho. he started talking about faith to do what God told them to do. then he quoted job 13:15 “though He slay me, yet i will trust Him.” and something shook in my chest. in that very moment i knew that was what i wanted as a tattoo.
every day i look down at my left wrist and see this beautifully done tattoo that say those very words, i make a choice. in that moment i make a choice that i will trust Him no matter what.
and sometimes i feel like job. sometimes i feel like abraham. He has asked me to give up or leave so many things.
- He has asked me to quit my job and leave all that i knew, to live with strangers, make no money and move to a city where i knew no one, so i have.
- He has asked me to give up comfort and status, so i have.
- He has asked me to give up living close to my family to be where He wants me, so i have.
- He has asked me to stay in a job that i didn’t like and struggled to make it financially, so i have.
- He has asked me to let go of dreams, passions, desires, so i have.
- He has asked me to let go of friends and relationships, so i have.
- He has asked me to let go of my savings for a wedding i would so love to have, so i have.
it feels like i have nothing left to let go of or give. then today i find out that things with my house aren’t going well. it looks like it will probably end in a short sale if i am lucky and more likely a foreclosure.
and my spirit and flesh duke it out. my flesh cries out “i did everything right!”, “i gave all my savings and it still ends this way?”, “i have given you everything and this is how it is going?!”. and my spirit simply whispers…”though He slay me, still i will hope in Him.”
He is the God to whom belongs all the wealth. He is the God who created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th. He is the God that i can contend with all day long shouting and crying out and being frustrated with Him only to be so reminded of job in 9:4 “who has contended with the Lord and won?”
i can’t do anything to change it. i guess i could have stayed in Texas but i am confident that would have been disobedience. i could have found a graphic design position and banked but i am confident that too would have been disobedience.
He is a sovereign God.
He is a good God.
He is a just God.
and quite honestly i don’t get it. not even a little bit. it doesn’t feel good or just or right. it doesn’t seem good that children are forced into things they never should. it doesn’t feel good that people die every minute because they don’t have food and/or water. it doesn’t feel good that His people continue to settle for less than an abundant life.
i don’t know where He is taking me. i don’t know what this will impact in the future. the only thing i know, the only thing i hang my hat on each night as i go to sleep is that He is the only one that will not leave me disappointed in the end. He will right every wrong. He will reward every faithful follower. He will come back and take us to this amazing place prepared.