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i have wanted a tattoo for years. i decided i wanted to wait til i got married. in my mind it was part of “doing him good and not evil the days of my life” in proverbs 31. maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. maybe it doesn’t matter. but it has given me years to figure out what i want. i love words and verses and so there have been many. 2-3 really stay with me.

sunday, however, i had one hit me. job 13:15 says though He slay me, i will hope in him. though He slay me… that is slightly intense. but i feel like that is the cry of my heart some days. i feel as if i am being slain. i feel like he is not being faithful. i feel like there is no goodness in the situation.

i have been reading the following article on the two wills of God…


and it reminds me of the great struggle in my heart. this struggle of He makes absolutely no sense to me. it doesn’t make sense to me that He can will that hearts not be hardened towards Him but then He Himself hardens hearts. it seems so contradictory. why does He get to just crush people. to use some as vessels of destruction and not others? they had no choice in the matter.

but my mind constantly goes back to verses like job 9 who has contested with the Lord and won? or isaiah 55 where he says My thoughts are not your thoughts nor My ways your ways. and when the fight for justice in me rises up, i am reminded how He is a just God. so much more than i could even dream of being just.

and in that moment i am led to worship. to praise Him for choosing me. no better than anyone else. a daughter who doubts her father’s goodness and faithfulness often without reason. and though i don’t understand i don’t have to nor do i always get to.

sovereign: having supreme rank, power or authority. preeminent; indisputable. He is sovereign. the end. and in no one else, nothing else would i want to put an ounce of my trust. he continually proves Himself faithful, good and kind. He is full of love, joy and peace. he overflows with gentleness and imparts His self-control. and in the end my heart cries out Lord, to whom shall [i] go? you have the words of eternal life!