it has been a season of processing. it is a season of my Abba father meeting me in my brokenness, loss and letting go. what blows my mind is that logically it makes sense some how but my heart just doesn’t want to catch up. it wants to hold on for dear life as if something i could muster or dream would be even able to compare to what He is doing/will do/has done! how do we think that our manifestation of the desire God put in us would be even as good as His?
a new revelation i have had…i am keenly aware that it is wrong to believe the lies that satan and society whisper in our ear. that seems like a yeah duh. but what hit me between the eyes the other day as i bawled on my couch was that i was choosing to believe the good that people thought of me with more weight that what HE thinks of me. we shouldn’t be dwelling on what others are thinking…good or bad.
this looks like my community and people knowing me well and speaking encouragement and praise…and that being more important than hearing God’s praise. suck. and then i am even more keenly aware of my flesh and fallen nature and, though this may sound weird, i am so thankful. given my past, i am so grateful when i am reminded that i desperately need Him and His redemption in my life even if not because of “big” sins.
now shifting gears….
last night i got my first tattoo.. before i even got it done, i had my second one planned. but that is beside the point. so i wake up this morning after not sleeping because i am freaked out to not let it touch anything. and i get nervous that it is so big. not because i care that it is big but what if it hinders a job in the future????
then as i was sitting at work this morning and thinking about that, i thought about how i hope soon i will get to do the wife and mom gig and then it wouldn’t even matter. at that point let’s go get the whole freakin’ sleeve done! hahah
people told me i would love getting it done. that it would be addicting. i can’t say i felt high like was described or that i even loved the experience, except for i had a great artist working on me. but i love what his tattoo means to me. i love that i will ALWAYS have this reminder. in good times i will be able to remember how the crappy times i held on because of the good times.