for the two people who actually read my blog…
i know the Lord is good and sovereign. and over the last couple of years He has been showing me that even more. He continues to bring revelation and pull me closer to Him. and it is amazing! He continues to show me how to praise Him no matter what i am feeling. no matter what is going on. praising Him is always the answer.
but i’m so tired of being strong all the time. not the i don’t need anyone (i try to invite people to help when i know i need it) kind of strong but the kind of strong you have to be to do life by yourself.
i have been living on my own for nearly 10 years. i have owned a house for 5. i have lived in 4 states and traveled to 10 different countries. i love being an adult and having a job. i love the responsibility that comes with it.
what i don’t love is going to sleep in an empty bed. i really hate waking up from a bad dream that brings fear with no one next to me. i don’t enjoy having the entire weight of selling a house and major decisions on my shoulders. not because i can’t do any of these things and not because i don’t think God is with me in them, but i don’t think i was ever created to do it by myself.
and i guess, in part at least, it is about being single for what seems like forever but the bigger picture is that i think it just propels me to want Him more. because i surely can’t do it on my own. and when i cry my eyes out cause no one is around or something else comes up, He’s there. the hope that i have in Him is the one thing that doesn’t disappoint! and for that i am beyond grateful for!
and it is so interesting because i see the Lord’s hand at work for sure. i see that i begged to be content forever. whatever the circumstances. and though not perfectly i find myself there. i am content with the current season be it in my job or relationships or whatever, knowing that He is working all of it out. as i was talking with a couple of friends on saturday after the party had left, she said my contentment could seem intimidating. and my first thought was that is what i have been praying for! to be seen how you are seeing me. and was immediately comforted with the thought that the one God has for me will be blessed by who God has made me instead of intimidated by it. and that i think will be worth it.
and all i can think of on repeat is the line from “i breath you in, God” – when i don’t understand, i will choose to love you God. i get to choose to love you God. it is a choice. a choice to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ to demolish every stronghold. and i think of the verses about praying and expecting. i have been praying for my husband for a long time…i’m so expectant. i can’t wait to see how amazing he is!
