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i have talked before on the idea of lamenting. the process of grieving. sometimes it is over the death of a loved one. sometimes it is over a lost relationship. maybe even a loved job. it doesn’t matter how big or small, every loss deserved to be grieved and processed.

at least that is what i am learning.

it feels like so many have hit me all at once i can’t seem to process fast enough. and though i don’t have a job and don’t know what i will do in two weeks when i run out of money, i am so incredibly thankful for the time i have had to process it all. i am thankful for the time to sit with the Lord and just cry.

the ability to cry over things not being the way that i had hoped. for dreams i though He put in my heart not being reality yet. for losing job and church right in the same fist. to cry over feeling like i don’t belong, though i know i do. to just cry. cry and let Him comfort me.

and i don’t know if i know what His comfort exactly is. i don’t know if i could pin point it. i know today isn’t as painful as it was 3 weeks ago. i know that i see His goodness a little more than i did yesterday…which is the end goal at least in my mind…

to see His goodness in the best of times and the worst of times. to know it so intimately that there is never a shadow of a doubt. that in the deepest pain, i can still say confidently that He is good. that is what i want in life.

i went to a class that Charles Bello teaches on lamenting. the way of processing pain.

  1. lean into the pain – feel it in the presence of God
  2. prayer & asking – what is it that i want my God to do?
  3. provision – receive whatever it is He has for me

the model is taken from Psalm 3. one day i will have my own psalm. where i get to proclaim His provision. in the mean time, i am learning to lean into the pain and ask Him for what i need. He is after all the only one who canĀ  help.