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its been a few months since i last wrote. when i got back from visiting my family for three weeks i jumped hard into building my business. if you haven’t ever started a business from scratch its really hard work. for months there have been few and far between times of just chilling. but it is part of the process. it is part of the season.

through it, i have learned a lot about God and a lot about myself. you see it is really easy to believe God is good when things are going well. it is easy to believe that He is going to provide when He doesn’t really have to cause you can do that on your own. it is easy to believe He is enough when you are surrounded by community and things and comfort.

but what about when those things aren’t there. what about when you still don’t have money. when you still don’t have friends. when you still don’t have the baby you have been wanting. when you aren’t healed.

i spent the last year on the most beautiful and painful journey. the journey of learning what friendship with God looked like. it was beautiful because it is friendship with God! when He gives you Himself all the joy and peace and life come with Him. that doesn’t mean i was happy all year through the pain but there is something different about going through something like that with someone who loves you more than you can imagine.

it was painful because to be in relationship with Jesus it costs something. IT COSTS EVERYTHING in fact. it costs my comfort. it costs my ability to take care of myself. it costs me doing things my way. it costs trust.

and as i came out of this past year, i knew finally who i was and whose i was. that has a tendency to change things. that skews the perspective a bit.

and now i find myself in a new place. a new house back in the city. i still don’t have a steady income. i still don’t get to do life with people daily. i still am figuring out exactly what i am doing with growing a business. i still am not married. i still want to change the world. but it is different this time around.

when you count the cost of something, the sacrifice is so much more reasonable. when you count the cost, you’re not as surprised.

take buying a house for instance. you count the cost of buying a house. yes, you won’t be throwing money away but you will have to fix everything yourself and you have to maintain the house or you are throwing your money away. all the things that come with buying a house. but you count those costs and say yes! when things happen, it’s fine because you knew they would.

i have spent the last year truly counting the cost of following Jesus and asking for all of Him at any cost. no matter the pain. no matter the loss. no matter the disappointment. He. Is. Worth it. pain and loss and disappointment will happen, they are part of life.

but i serve a God that makes anything pale in comparison to the splendor of who He is. i serve a God who makes me look more like Him every day because i said yes! that means i get to respond to things in this world differently. i get to respond with love not judgement and hate and ridicule.

no i will be the first to tell you…i’m not perfect. i will never claim to be so. but if i am not looking more like Him at the end of the day, what am i doing really?

do you look more like Jesus? if not, what are you doing?