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over the past three years i have discovered so many things i had forgotten i loved. at some point i stopped being myself. i shut down. i wasn’t as excited. i didn’t fawn over babies. i didn’t have an opinion or anything to say.

i have been reminded how much i love to:

  • teach/public speaking
  • read/study
  • encourage people
  • hang with guy friends
  • etc.

tonight i was reminded how much i loved kids. i mean i have always loved kids but tonight was awesome. i was overwhelmed at first by the 19 kids, most of which i barely knew. they were running around screaming. you know…being kids. and though i got to know so many of them fairly well, i met a new buddy. his name is gray and he’s 4.


as we played “man from mars” he stuck by my side. when i told him we needed a picture together he emphatically responded with “i know!”

and as i think about it i wonder why i shut so many places in my heart down. what was i believing? i think part of it was the fear of pain. fear of rejection from speaking if i didn’t do it well. fear of getting it wrong when i studied. fear of being annoying as i encouraged. fear of losing friends as they get married. fear of never getting to have my own kids.

and i see the Lord redeeming. moving. allowing me to live life abundantly even if all of the fears came true. if i was never accepted or correct or appreciated or was forever alone and childless God remains faithful.

and it blows my mind.