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i want to always be one who is quick to respond to God when He speaks. sometimes it takes longer to sink in that others. sometimes the first time He says it, it jolts you to a fully aware posture, feeling the weight of the sin.

recently God began to show me my own pride. obviously we all have pride somewhere at some point but there are moments when the revelation of it our lives simply sucker punches you.

He began to show me how i thought i was better than people especially with regard to things they hadn’t ever had modeled or taught. as i sat in the DHS office to file for food stamps, because i can’t file unemployment since i quit and i still don’t have a job, i ran through a gambit of emotions. frustration that i was there and had to be there to i’m not like everyone else here, i didn’t choose this to broken-hearted to thankful that this service was there to help me when i needed it to thankful that God was giving me an experience to empathize in a way that i might never have been able to.

i thought i was somehow better because i didn’t put myself there, God did. i said yes to walk away from my job that i loved into a place where He is teaching me humility. i dare say so much as He is opposing me for the pride in my heart to think i am better than anyone else. but what an incredible opportunity to see that i am not.

it is also interesting because the greatest areas of shame are the very places where i didn’t have something modeled or taught to me that i thought i should. i grew up with poor eating habits and to eat well is to this day a struggle. or learning how to communicate differently with different people wasn’t something i learned. or how to be a girly girl.

when i find my identity in those areas at all, of course i will feel pride or shame respectively. and so even though this season is a difficult and painful one, i would rather walk through this season, with the peace He has given me that i am right where i am because of Him and He loves me so much to teach me humility, than to be doing my dream job, oblivious to the pride in my heart.

in the end, it is all in His hands. and this season is showing me that He has grown that in my heart. i trust that. i trust that i have done everything i can do and it is up to Him now. that even if i got myself in this position, He is big enough to still provide and protect the one who seeks His face. that is the God i serve!