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for the past 4 weeks in pathways we have been talking about God. the attributes of, the existence and knowability of, etc. i feel like it has never been more timely. i sit and argue with Him, the creator, and i hear JJ Seid say “when i disagree with God about anything…i am wrong.” it makes me think of Job 9:5 “who has contended with the Lord and won?”

and in the back of my mind i know that. and on the really hard days when i absolutely know that i come back to the thought “but i never asked to be here and go through this.” He ever so gently reminds of Job 9:5 again. i won’t win. i can’t win. His thoughts are not my thoughts. His ways are not my ways.

it is so interesting to think about His ways being so different. in my mind, when i hear that compliment that makes me want to die cause it is telling of what my heart desires but doesn’t have (you’re going to be a great mom, you will make an amazing wife, etc.) i want to die. i want to be bitter. when i ask Him what i am supposed to do with it, He simply replies “thank them.” there is peace in that response unlike the striving and bitterness of the other.

and in that moment the truth of God’s way being the BEST way is so heavy. not a bad heavy but a serious, i-can’t-do-this-on-my-own kind of way. His way is higher, better, more perfect, more full of peace, joy and love.

which in the end, leads my heart to worship. to worship a God i don’t understand but have seen His character proved time and time again. to worship a God that not only declares He is faithful but shows how “not one of His promises to the israelites were broken, not one.”

in the midst of the suffering or pain or calamity i may not have the answers, but i know the one who does. i may not get understanding but i know i will get more of Him. i don’t need deliverance, i need the Deliverer!