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you know that moment when you think you’re doing pretty good and then God shows you something you’re not doing good with and it is like a sucker punch to the gut. not out of condemnation but genuine sadness that you have hurt someone you love.

I feel like I have them regularly. and this may sound like I am crazy…but I am actually thankful for every single one of those moments. I grew up in a culture where everyone thought I was such a good girl (and I wasn’t crazy but I wasn’t perfect) but no one seemed to really know me. or at least I didn’t feel known. so when brutal honesty comes into play…i’m thankful. even if I don’t see it right away, I always chew on it. I always take it into consideration. I always ask God where the truth is in it.

in the last couple of weeks I have listened to multiple of Bethel’s podcasts. three of them specifically I have listened to on repeat. they have been that good for me right where I am. one of them was called faith vs. entitlement. the premise being “faith left unchecked can lead to entitlement.” this mindset that I have done everything I needed to, I prayed, fasted, worked hard, where is the breakthrough.

and God started to show me where I fall into that….regularly. “i have done things your way, how come _______________________ isn’t happening.” “i have been obedient and sought you out how come I still don’t have ______________________.” “i have stood on the truth and proclaimed it over myself why is there still not breakthrough in ___________________.”

these are all things I have said at different points in my life. and He started showing me how it is all entitlement. if I think I have anything to do with His grace, I am missing it completely. faith is living out of a place where I know he CAN do whatever He wants but it isn’t dependent on me. faith is asking what my response is to the present situation instead of just doing what worked last time.

it is true in every area of our lives. our friendships, life circumstances, breakthroughs, etc.┬áit’s easy to think our love demands reciprocation but that isn’t the love of the Father, it’s entitlement. and as bill Johnson says, if we get blessing while walking in entitlement, it will kill us because we aren’t ready to handle it.

so here is me laying down what I have always done for what He wants to do right now. right now I feel like I am supposed to be resting. waiting the things in my heart that He has promised that I have yet to see. actively waiting and listening for what He wants to say…and there has never been more peace. this is the place to be.