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as i drive home from an emotionally exhausting evening i realize i feel a little bit lighter. my heart a little less heavy. maybe it is permanent and maybe it is just for tonight.

i feel like it has been a month of relentlessly giving every ounce of my heart and fears and frustrations and pain to the Lord with no response. well there has been a response but the comfort has been little and the relief has been negligent. “how long O, Lord?!”

Charles Bello spoke at pathways tonight. i love this man. i love his teaching. and then i remember the topic…suffering. God brings growth and healing through suffering. great. part of me wants to skip out and go to my best friends house and sit on the couch, reading and eating “comfort food” as she says. but i stay.

the first hour kicked my butt. then the second rolled around. before i know it, as i am doing this exercise along with the rest of the class, i find myself in a puddle of my own tears and runny nose. i worry that i am the only one, but allow myself to not run away. to just sit and do the exercise. to allow my heart to feel the sadness even though others are in the room.

then something really cool happened.

i cried as i shared and as i prayed. i have never been able to do that among peers. i can cry with the Lord and i can cry with older people/mentors…but to cry as i share my heart…never. as much as i pray for my heart to be able to it just doesn’t.

i head to my besties house. i don’t care what time it is. and i sit on her couch and cry. share my heart. i am blown away. she breaks the tension or whatever it is with the exclamation “you ARE human!”

and as i drive home, i am hit with the reality of His goodness even now. when i want the pain to stop. when i feel like i can’t take it anymore. He shows me how he is answering my prayer to allow my guard to be down. maybe if i didn’t feel such pain, i would never be able to let the walls down. and it comes back full circle to the beginning of the evening when Charles said:

The walls that protect us in our youth imprision us as adults. bring on the freedom Lord!!!!